Fragmented
by Shinara66
Summary: *Spoilers for 9x01* Four days after the end of episode 1, Callie tries again to reach Arizona. Angst warning!


**Title:** Fragmented  
**Author:** Shinara66  
**Pairing:** Callie/Arizona  
**Spoilers: **9x01  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Disclaimer:** All television shows, books, movies, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work and the characters, events, and settings thereof are the properties of their respective owners. As this work is an interpretation of the original material and not for profit, it constitutes fair use. Reference to real persons, places, or events are made in a fictional context and are not intended to be libelous, defamatory, or in any way factual**.**  
**A/N:** Hey guys! This is just a quick little piece to clear my head after 9x01. I haven't written Callie/Arizona in a long time, so I apologize for any rough edges. This is meant as a stand alone, so there's no real resolution. To do that justice, I'd have to start another long story and I just don't have time for that. lol! This is full of angst, but I just wanted to get it off my chest. Hope you all enjoy!

* * *

Callie Torres stood in her living room with a defeated slump in her shoulders. Her entire body ached, but somehow also felt numb. She could not explain the sensation, nor did she care to try. Every day for the past three months had been nothing but a struggle, an agonizing and suffocating struggle.

She'd learned of the horrific plane crash that, not only severely injured nearly every doctor present, but had also claimed the life of Lexie Grey. When she'd made it to Boise and finally learned of Arizona's fate, her whole existence had come to a screeching and grindinghalt. Every beep of a hospital monitor, every I.V and wire connected to Arizona, every display in her room had been all Callie could see for days on end.

Her present had consisted of nothing but the sounds in that small and horribly decorated hospital room. She could barely function, barely think, barely breathe. As if the possibility of losing Arizona wasn't enough, Callie's best friend and the father of her child had also been severely injured in the crash. He had been in and out of consciousness and so Callie had focused on her wife, on Arizona.

Looking back on that time now, Callie could barely recall much of the events that had eventually led her and Arizona home. Her present now was very different to what her present had been then. Instead of sitting vigil by her wife's bed, hoping and praying and pleading for her to get well, Callie now spent most of her time at work. Mark was gone, just like Lexie. Not one week had passed since she had said good-bye forever to her best friend. Not one week had passed since she had realized how utterly alone she was now.

When she wasn't at the hospital trying to fix something, _anything,_ Callie was at home with Sofia. Her daughter had gone from having three very loving, very adoring, very attentive parents to having one.

One parent.

One parent who was barely able to make it through a work day without falling apart.

One parent whose entire life had imploded and become a nightmare.

One parent who could hardly find the time to be attentive because her mind was frayed. Her heart was fragmented. Her world was adrift.

The rare times Callie was at home, she found herself eating dinner alone, watching tv alone, caring for Sofia alone, and sleeping..._alone_. Arizona barely spoke to her, barely acknowledged that she was alive and breathing and struggling to keep her head above water.

No, Arizona was too busy being mad at the world and angry at her to notice Callie's suffering. To notice that Callie was breaking on the inside while trying to appear strong on the outside.

Every time Callie tried to talk to Arizona, she was rebuffed. Accusations were thrown and harsh words were spoken and then there would be only silence. The silence that lingered on the air while creating a weight that left the heart feeling heavy and the mind too stressed to seek the comfort of sound. Callie had tried everything she could think of to get Arizona to snap out of her depression. She had tried being caring. She had tried being loving. She had tried being angry and mad.

She knew Arizona blamed her for her circumstances and she could accept that. She could and would accept anything Arizona said if it meant she could have her wife back. For three months, Callie had struggled alone. She had said good-bye to Mark alone. She had dealt with Arizona alone.

Callie was tired of being alone, tired of _feeling_ alone. Arizona was alive. She had survived a damn plane crash! She had survived a punctured lung and a broken femur. She had survived being in some god-forsaken stretch of woods for days! She was _alive_! Alive and able to return to her family. Callie didn't care if Arizona had one leg. Her love was not dependent on the number of limbs Arizona had.

Yes, she knew Arizona's loss was great. She was not trivializing that, but she could not help but feel lucky that her wife had survived, that she got to continue loving her. Lexie had not been so lucky. Mark had not been so lucky. Cristina and Owen had been on the rocks before the crash and, even considering the tragedy that had followed, the two of them were still not any closer to reconciling.

Callie had promised to be there for Arizona and to do what she could not do. She was not a person who made promises lightly, nor was she a woman who did not value those promises. When she had married Arizona, she had promised to love, honor, and cherish her. She had promised to care for her. Those vows, however unrecognized by the government, had been and still were important to Callie.

She was willing to help Arizona through this most horrible time in her life in any way possible. She was on board for the months of P.T, the good times and the bad times, the highs and the lows.

However, Arizona was not willing to lean on her. She was barely willing to breathe the same air as Callie. She was content to let Callie handle working and shopping and cooking and cleaning and caring for Sofia all on her own, while she sat in their room and grew more and more despondent.

Callie was tired of all of it. If Arizona wanted to stay mad at her, then that was fine, but she was going to fight for her wife. She was going to fight for Sofia to have her mama back. She was going to fight for _them_ because Arizona was all Callie had left and she would be damned if she lost her, too.

* * *

"Arizona?"

Arizona ignored the soft sound of Callie's voice. She kept her back to her wife while she stared at the same spot on the wall she'd been staring at all day. She could not deal with Callie right now. Callie or anyone else for that matter. All she wanted to do was stay in bed and contemplate why her life sucked so bad, why bad things kept happening to her.

"Arizona, I'm not leaving until you talk to me."

Callie's voice again.

It irritated Arizona. She wished Callie would just go. Again, she ignored the voice that had once set her heart to racing. There was nothing inside of her any longer. Nothing good. Nothing of the person she used to be. There was only pain. Only anger and sorrow. There was only a void, a blackness where once her happiness had beat. She wished she could feel _something._ She wished the sight and the sound of her wife brought her joy and relief like it once had.

Instead, Callie brought her only more sorrow. She only pushed Arizona deeper into a depression. The weight of the world no longer matter to Arizona. She did not strive to be the best person she could be, as her father had taught her. She did not try to rise above adversity and greet each new day with a smile and a positive attitude.

What had any of those things ever gotten her anyway?

No, Arizona woke up each day with the heavy realization that nothing mattered at all. Absolutely nothing. What she did had no impact on the world at large. How she treated people did not come back to her in some nice little karmic cycle. She was tired and she hurt and she could do nothing to get her life back and that only made her all the more miserable.

So, no, she was not going to respond to Callie. There was no point. Nothing would be accomplished. Nothing would change. She could not give Callie what she needed. Not now. Not ever. It was best if Callie just left her alone to die. It was _almost_ what she wanted. Then, she wouldn't have to deal with Callie's pleading voice or her sad looks. She wouldn't have to face Nick's death or Mark's death.

There wouldn't be a baby in the next room crying for her attention or a wife crying for her affection.

The sound of movement came to Arizona's ears, soon followed by a dip in the bed as Callie sat down behind her.

"Please, just talk to me. You can't stay in here forever. You need to get up and-"

Arizona rolled over and looked at Callie with a heated fury. "_Get up_? I need to _get up_? I would love to be able to do that, but I _can't_! Not without help! Not without crutches or a damn wheelchair!"

Callie looked stricken for a moment before her face hardened. "Yes, Arizona. Get up! That is what I said! I know it sucks and-"

"No, you don't! You have no idea, Callie! You can't even begin to imagine how helpless I feel! So, don't come in here telling me what I need to do!"

Callie stood up quickly and walked to the foot of the bed. Bracing her hands against her hips, she looked down at Arizona, who refused to meet her eyes.

"Look, I'm sorry this happened to you! I hate this! I lost a friend in that crash. Mark is dead, Arizona! _Dead!_ Sofia just lost her father. She will never know him. Never remember him. He is gone! And, I feel so alone."

Callie's voice shook at the end of her words. Arizona spared a brief glance in her direction.

"I can't keep doing this. You lived, Arizona. You're still here and I'm sorry if the fact that I'm happy about that upsets you so much!"

Arizona's face turned dark again and her eyes focused on Callie's.

"You're happy about _this_?" she cried, pulling the sheets back and exposing her missing limb. "How can you be happy about this?!"

Callie swallowed hard and shook her head slowly. Tears lined her eyes. Before she would speak, Arizona spoke up again.

"I was terrified in those woods, Callie! The one thing that kept me going was the thought of seeing you again. You and Sofia. I tried not to be a burden to anyone. Hell, I splinted my own damn leg! No one knew I was coughing up blood until we were rescued! I tried to be a good man in a storm. Like I've always been! The situation was bad. It was hugely bad, but I just kept telling myself that you could fix me. You, who build bones and make people walk. You could save my leg!"

At this, Callie's bottom lip began to tremble and the tears in her eyes grew heavy.

"But, you didn't save me, Callie! You let me down and now I'm a freak!"

Callie could not believe the words she was hearing. She could not believe that Arizona was blaming her for the loss of her leg. Since returning home, Callie had tried to explain the situation to Arizona, but the other woman never gave her the time of day.

"I tried to save your leg, Arizona! I did everything I could because you made me promise I would and I did! I did, damnit! The infection was too bad! The doctors couldn't get it under control. It was going to spread, Arizona. It was going to kill you! Is that what you want? Do you wish you were dead?"

Arizona only appeared momentarily affected by the words, before she was back to using anger as a defense.

"Yes!" she yelled back in response. "Yes, because _this_ isn't living!"

Callie couldn't hold back the tears at Arizona's answer. She was so tired and exhausted. Emotionally, she was drained. Mentally, she was barely surviving. Hearing Arizona, the love of her love, her wife, tell her she wished she was dead was the cut in the heart Callie couldn't take.

"You wish you weren't here with _me_? You wish you left me and Sofia?"

Arizona's face softened. Despite drowning in her own misery, there was still a small part of her that couldn't stand to see Callie cry.

"I am lost, Callie! Don't you get that?! I'm lost and I don't know how to find myself again!"

Arizona's voice began to shake, the venom that had been ever present starting to fade. "I've lost my brother and now Nick! I left for Africa to help needy children and to do good things, only to return and learn that you and Mark had been sleeping together. So soon after I left, too. Not only that, you were pregnant!"

Callie opened her mouth to speak. She knew Arizona would always have a sore spot about Sofia's conception, but Arizona cut her off before she would form a word.

"And I love Sofia. I do. She is perfect, but she will always be your baby with Mark! But, you know what? I tried to rise above the situation and be what you needed me to be. I befriended Mark because you asked me to and I actually grew to love him and for _what_? For him to die, too, and for me to lose my leg!?"

Callie's tears were freely falling now. This was the most emotion Arizona had shown since the accident.

"The more I try to be a good person," Arizona continued saying, "the more the universe kicks me when I'm down!"

Callie shook her head and walked back over to the bed. She sat down opposite of Arizona and reached out to touch her. When her hand landed on Arizona's stomach, Arizona did not shy away.

"You still have people who need you, Arizona. You still have people who love you and who don't know how to function without you."

Their brief, tender moment shattered. Arizona jerked away from Callie, the heated look back in her blue eyes.

"People need me like this?!" she yells, indicating her missing leg. "I feel ugly, Callie! Ugly and useless! I don't know who I am anymore! How can I be anything to anyone?"

Callie reached out and grasped Arizona's chin in her hand, forcing her wife to look her in the eyes.

"You are my _wife_ and Sofia's mother! _That_ is who you are! You are a good person that bad things have happened to. Bad things have happened to me! To everyone at Seattle Grace!"

Arizona shook her head, trying to look away from Callie, but Callie's grip was firm and her look pleading.

"I miss you _so much_, Arizona. I can't do everything alone. I've tried, but I'm fragmented without you. I need for you to be the person I fell in love with."

A soft whisper met the profound quiet that settled after Callie's heartbroken words.

"I'm not the person you fell in love with, Callie. That person is dead. She died in that plane crash."

Crying harder but trying to remain strong, Callie leaned forward and looked deep into Arizona's eyes. It was hard to see beneath all of the anger and the gruff and the depression, but a tiny spark of _her_ Arizona could be spied.

"You're still the person I'm in love with, Arizona. You always have been and you always will be. You just need help finding yourself again. I'll help you. That's what I'm here for, baby. Please, get fitted for a prosthetic and begin P.T. It'll be a long road, but you can regain most of your old life back."

Arizona said nothing, her eyes searching Callie's face. She was still so mad at her wife. Mad and hurt and angry, but she was also scared and frightened. She did not know if she was strong enough to be what Callie needed her to be. She didn't know if she was strong enough to help _herself_.

"_Please_, Arizona..."

For long moments, Arizona sat in deep thought. Her chin was still held in Callie's hand, but the grip had turned more to a caress.

"_Please_..."

As Arizona looked at Callie, she realized for the first time since the plane crash, how beautiful she thought her wife was. Instead of seeing Callie with an angry haze of red and black depression, Arizona saw Callie as she used to. She saw her beautiful wife. Her friend.

The realization made her, _very slightly_, feel more like her old self. The feeling was small, barely noticeable, but it gave Arizona a _tiny_ twinge of hope.

"Do this for you, Arizona, if you can't do it for me or for Sofia."

Arizona placed a hand on Callie's wrist, the contact being a first in months.

Instead of replying, she only nodded her head.

Callie smiled, a relieved sigh escaping her lips.

Arizona did not smile, but she did acknowledge this as the first step towards, if not her old life, then hopefully a better life than the one she had now.


End file.
